CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
A new father from Betoota’s trendy French Quarter has today made the age-old mistake of acting like he’s the first person to ever have his sleep pattern disrupted by his decision to have a child.
Hayden Hoxton (33) has been unable to restrain his deeply seated desires to tell everyone how exhausted he is. On top of his tone deaf explanations of how his wife’s 9 month pregnancy was ‘hard enough’.
After a couple years of childfree marriage, Hayden and his darling Jessica had decided to begin having unprotected and unbridled sexual intercourse – resulting in the purchase of his seed.
And if you didn’t know him, you’d think this child he has brought into the world was an unplanned hurdle in his comfortable upper middle class existence.
What’s worse is that the vast majority of his family and friends are acutely aware that – despite his commitment to political correctness – Hayden would not be half as fucking much as his wife.
Among the many blaring realities that appear to be completely lost on Hayden, is the fact that about four of blokes he went to school with were able to navigate the demands of early fatherhood almost immediately after graduation – and some actually before that.
As a home-owning white collar professional in his early thirties with a sizeable European sedan in a dual-income marriage, Hayden doesn’t seem to realise that some of the most reckless and dimwitted blokes from school managed to pull off the late night nappy changes and belt-tightening lifestyle adjustments in their late teens.
What’s more, they managed to do it without any of the financial security that comes with 10 years in the workforce and tertiary education. In fact, most of them had to get up at 3am every morning to work the type of jobs that hire exhausted teenagers who are willing to break their backs for a living.
When having these kinds of far less ideal scenarios presented to him in a gentle manner, Hayden appears to understand that he doesn’t have it that bad.
“Yeah” he says.
“It’s just that…”
“Like, the baby never sleeps a full night. It’s so full on”
