RORY SALAZAR | Property | Contact
The very fabric of our nation is about to be destroyed, property investors have confirmed.
According to them, the nation’s fabric will unravel because of the psychotic proposal put forth by the out-of-touch Greens party, the radical left. The Greens propose to place a cap on rent rises to protect Australia’s second-class citizens during this inflationary time, what some people are calling a ‘housing crisis.’
This morning, our team spoke with one of Betoota’s most astute property investors, Ricky Blades (49), to understand just how dire this rent capping situation really is.
Ricky, a self-confessed gym junkie who loves doing other people’s drugs as much as he hates renters, owns 16 investment properties across six states and two territories – which is all of them – and so has an expert grasp of not only what Australia needs, but who Australia is, and most importantly why Australia is.
From the bowels of Cappa’s 24/7 Gym, Ricky pumped out a set of bicep curls and asked the Advocate, ‘What housing crisis? I’ve got 16 houses for fuck’s sake!’
He dropped the weights loudly, flexed his aging arms as hard as he could while looking at himself in the mirror, nodding with approval.
“The ANZAC spirit knitted our country’s fabric together with sacrifice, endurance, mateship, and all-out war. Glorious war, he said as he shadowboxed the air.
‘A cap on rent rises will destroy everything our Diggers fought for,’ he explained matter-of-factly.
He took a large swig of a murky-looking liquid substance from his 10L drink bottle, which earlier he had told the Advocate was a kind of ‘creatine/steroidal/peptide juice mix’ that not only made him swole but gave him the ‘fucking horn.’
‘Our Diggers fought for us to have the freedom to raise rents as much as government incentives allow. They fought to celebrate people like me who aren’t afraid to make something of themselves.’
The Advocate can confirm that this is probably what our Diggers were thinking during trench warfare. That a century from now, property investors like Ricky Blades could raise rents as much as they liked even during a housing crisis. In fact, nothing encapsulates the ANZAC spirit more than this.
Lest we forget.
