ERROL PAKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Residents across Greater Sydney have begun preparing themselves for what meteorologists and tabloid journalists alike are calling a ‘Schadenfreude Storm’, the quadrennial weather event where the ocean eats the homes of people who were arrogant enough to build on top of sand dunes.
As a deep east coast low looms off the New South Wales coastline, the rest of the city prepares to gather around their phones and TVs to watch luxury beachfront properties get sucked into the angry sea.
“It’s tradition at this point,” said one delighted Petersham dickhead.
“I don’t even watch commercial television anymore unless some unscrupulous businessman’s infinity pool has been sucked halfway down the beach.”
Emergency services are once again on standby, not just for flood rescues, but to manage a spike in dangerously smug commentary from the inner west.
“Who could’ve seen this coming?” said Prime Minister Anthony Albanese
“Besides, like, every geologist and council planner for the past 50 years. I was smart enough to buy on top of a massive cliff!”
The homes most at risk are typically multimillion-dollar knockdowns rebuilt as concrete cubes with glass balustrades and at least one in-ground pool positioned metres from the sparkling Pacific Ocean.
“The fact they need a pool next to the sea says it all,” said one visibly amused observer.
“You can tell the house was designed by someone who has never respected a king tide in their life. Probably some fuckwit from Paddington.”
Authorities have asked residents to stay away from beachside locations ahead of the storm, but say there is little they can do to stop nature from reclaiming what was never zoned properly or approved by council in the first place.
More to come.
