ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A growth and productivity report published this morning by the nation’s peak scientific body has outlined that the fledgling market for surfboards in Alice Springs is now in better shape than the now-apocalyptic market for apartments in Sydney.
The CSIRO published their findings into both industries this morning and the lead researcher in the project spoke briefly to reporters in Canberra.
Professor Duncan Helmer explained that the outlook for apartment owners in Sydney is grim.
“Historically, surfboard merchants in Alice Springs have had very little opportunity for growth in their market,” he said.
“But that market is now in better shape than the Sydney apartment market. You’d have fucking rocks inside your fucking head if you bought an el cheapo flat in that over-priced shithole,”
“If you want some advice from the CSIRO, if you own a new apartment in Sydney, make sure your insurance is up to date and start an electrical fire in the laundry with the dryer. It’s not that hard to do; just fill the thing with lint and set it to hot. Burn it and get out. Decentralise. Go buy a house in the bush with your payout. That’s our advice,”
“Or just get a better job like Joh Hockey told you to, you stupid piece of shit.”
Professor Helmer then refused to answer any questions from the media and left.
More to come.
