ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Determined not to be overshadowed by the AFL’s booking of Snoop Dogg for their Grand Final entertainment, NRL boss Peter V’landys has reportedly stolen the embalmed corpse of Michael Jackson in a bold bid to “outdo those Victorian pricks once and for all.”
Sources inside Rugby League Central say V’landys personally flew to a secure Los Angeles storage facility in the middle of the night armed with a crowbar, a hired refrigerated shipping container and an unwavering belief that “rugby league deserves nothing but the best.”
“He kept yelling ‘They’ve got Snoop, the cunce, we’ve got the King of Pop’ while trying to drag the coffin up a loading ramp,” said one eyewitness.
“I don’t even think he knows if the thing can still sing, he just wants the headlines.”
The plan, according to leaked NRL marketing documents, is to prop Jackson’s body up on stage during the pre-match entertainment and have a team of back-up dancers “move him around a bit” while a tribute band belts out his greatest hits. Another plan seen by The Advocate suggest taping Jackson’s body to a rod attach to a Roomba, which would shuffle around the stage in a random but familiar manner.
“This will be the biggest show in Australian sport,” V’landys told reporters this morning.
“It doesn’t matter that he’s been dead for 15 years. In fact, that’s part of the mystique. AFL fans will be watching thinking, ‘Why the hell didn’t Gil think of this?'”
While critics have called the stunt “distasteful” and “illegal,” diehard league fans are already calling it “the greatest rugby league innovation since the six-again rule.”
As of press time, Snoop Dogg has responded to the news with a single Instagram story reading, “wtf is wrong with Australia.”
More to come.
