KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT
Sleep deprived Aussies are rejoicing this week after a breakthrough study has managed to find a quick-fix for those struggling with insomnia.
In a new report written by N.A.P.S (National Association for Psychological Sleep), it’s believed those battling insomnia should simply enjoy an RSL sized pour of mulled wine in front of a roaring pub fire, to guarantee a swift drift off into la la land.
The report alleges that a potent glass of yummy yummy Merlot, simmered in a pot with whole cloves, cinnamon sticks and maybe a wedge of orange, is strong enough to knock out even the most stressed individuals, including those who are immune to the sounds of rain on a tin roof.
Coupled with the comforts of a roaring pub fire, it’s believed the combo of mulled wine and a fireplace is a literal red bullet for the 49% of Aussies who currently struggle with sleep-related health issues.
Speaking to Professor Hugh G. Snooze, the new research is suggesting heading out of the city and into regional or rural areas, might work wonders for people who are wrestling with their pillows every night.
“What we’ve found is people, particularly those in metropolitan areas, are simply far too overstimulated by a lifestyle flooded with fluorescent office lights, the 24/7 news cycle and an addiction to their smartphones.”
“What our research has found is that it’s best to take a break from the city and head on out any of those tourist towns that have a mad sandstone pub, then park up with a mulled wine and stare at the Bush TV for half an hour and you’ll be fully tranquilized before 8pm.”
“Our only warning is to make sure you can walk back to your AirBnb before you fall asleep, or you’ll have to wait for the one taxi in town to get you home, or transfer the publican $20 for a lift.”
