ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A father in Betoota Heights has sparked controversy this week after announcing he has begun lightly bullying his four-year-old son in preparation for what he describes as the inevitable horrors of school.
Craig Weller says his son has inherited the same prominent ears that haunted his own childhood, and believes a bit of targeted sledging at home will help toughen the boy up before facing the little cunce of their local state school playground.
“He’s a sitting duck,” Craig told The Advocate.
“They’re gonna come for him. Just like they came for me. Better he learns to cop it on the chin now than get blindsided by some tubby little fuck in a couple years time. I want him to turn it around on him. Retort with jibes such as, ‘I can hear your future fatso and it sounds HEAVY!’ and then all the kids laugh at the bully. I wish someone had prepared me for school. Mum just I had cute ears. I didn’t stand a chance. It was like getting dumped on Omaha Beach without basic training.”
Craig says he’s been trialling a few age-appropriate jabs like “wingnut,” “radar” and “big-eared fuck” around the house, mostly at breakfast when kids are most emotionally fragile.
“He doesn’t love it. But that’s the point. Resilience. You can teach that. If I can build that into him now, maybe he won’t come home crying in week one. He’ll come home with a note saying he’s been victimising everyone who looks at him funny. Big stick diplomacy. Big ear hegemony!”
His wife Kelly has told friends she’s “not thrilled” about the whole thing but admits Craig has been utterly obsessed with this idea since the penultimate ultrasound photo showed the two A380 wings attached to the unborn child’s head.
Experts from the Betoota Heights Early Learning Centre say this kind of preemptive bullying is not recommended and may lead to confusion, anxiety and long-term trust issues.
Craig disagrees.
“I got called Wingnut every day from Year 1 to Year 12 and I turned out alright,” he said.
“I was one rung above the obese redhead. You don’t know what it’s like in my world.”
More to come.
