Josh Dugan Named Captain Of The Tarocash NRL White Trash All Stars

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ST GEORGE-Illawarra back Josh Dugan has been chosen to lead the first White Trash XVII to take on the Silver Spoons a fortnight after the season returns for the unfortunately-named Downer NRL Auckland Nines.

The sport’s newest representative clash is one that officials are hoping will become as tribal as the annual State of Origin series, and Dugan couldn’t be prouder to be chosen as the leader of rugby league’s most unrefined characters.

“I see it as a huge honour to be able to represent where I’ve come from. Skin Fantasy Tattoo Parlour in Tuggeranong if anyone’s asking,” Dugan told The Betoota Advocate from the roof of his house.

“I’m just glad for some recognition. All the shit I’ve gotten up to has lead to this rep honour,”

“I’d like to thank our sponsors, Shine Lawyers and Tarocash – if any of the fans have a court date coming up, they should consult both of those fine institutions,” 

ABOVE: Josh Dugan shows his first signs of WTXVII promise by drinking a pineapple cruiser on a Canberra rooftop

Dugan was selected to lead the side due to his Origin experience and stand-out performances during bonding sessions and team gatherings around Queen of the Nile machines. “He once suited a feature from a $5 hit twice in a row. That takes the sort of leadership we were looking for,” team official Jason Smith said shortly after a bail hearing outside the Supreme Court of Queensland.

Sharks leader Paul Gallen had been an initial contender based on public support. However, his age, heavy representative schedule and total refusal to get a tribal tattoo unrelated to his heritage conspired against him and he will sit out the match.

Mitchell Pearce is the other high profile omission and would have been a likely half-back and skipper until it was revealed in a shocking scandal last week that he actually lives in Bondi.

Shaun Kenny-Dowall’s selection under the quota system of having at least one player under current investigation for domestic abuse meant that two Roosters made the cut, with Jake Friend set to start at dummy-half, and providing valuable tattoo coverage on both arms.

When questioned about Pearce and Gallen’s non-selection, Dugan remained resolute. “That’s all in the past mate, it doesn’t matter. I’m the captain and moving forward we’re all just focused on creating some fucking carnage, be that during the game or not,” he enthused.

Rabbitohs’ playmaker Adam Reynolds is likely to partner namesake Josh in the halves, a combination many predict could wear the blue jersey later this year. Veteran criminal, Todd Carney, who is in town to protest his sacking from the Sharks for giving his mouth a golden shower, will add utility value off the bench. He is also expected to be heavily involved in planning the post-match function.

In a remarkable twist, Australian Test opener David Warner will line up on the wing. He is one of several products of Matraville Sports High in the team and his profile on the country’s sporting landscape, raw speed, and natural Western Sydney grubbiness were all considered when the side was being discussed.

The forward pack, while small by rugby league standards, are set to make up for their perceived lack of size by being downright low breeds both on and off the field.

They have imported two backrowers from the First Utility Super League who are no strangers to controversy. Welsh forward Ben Flower is well known for his attack and subsequent red card on Lance Hohaia in the 2014 Super League Grand Final, while Brett Ferres has qualified for the squad after fucking his teammate’s wife and being sacked by the Huddersfield Giants as a result.

PICTURED: Ben Flower's disgusting sucker punch on a grounded opposition

 Ferres will be seated away from the rest of their team at the official players, wives and partners function in the lead-up to the game.

The Gold Coast’s most illustrated player, Chris McQueen, was also added to include a bit more ink.

With the team operating under an I.Q. cap, bringing James Graham on board forced selectors to pick another Bulldogs in David Klemmer, who’s academic drag factor was enough to bring the team’s average back below 60. NRL exile Dave Taylor, already in the selector’s sights for his involvement in the Gold Coast Titans cocaine scandal, was chosen for the same reason.

Coach Tommy Raudonikis has already laid out his strategy to Dugan ahead of the side’s afternoon skills session at the Mount Druitt Town Centre Reserve. “We’ve got a few bonding sessions planned,” Dugan says. “I don’t want to give too much away, but get your phone cameras ready and some news outlet might just pay for your mortgage,” he said with a wink and grin.

The Silver Spoons side is expected to be named this afternoon.

White Trash XVII

1. Billy Slater (Melbourne Storm)
2. David Warner (Australian Cricket Team)
3. Jamie Lyon (Manly Sea Eagles)
4. Josh Dugan (c) (St. George Illawarra Dragons)
5. Shaun Kenny-Dowall (Sydney Roosters)
6. Josh Reynolds (Canterbury Bulldogs)
7. Adam Reynolds (South Sydney Rabbitohs)
8. Nate Myles (Manly Sea Eagles)
9. Jake Friend (Sydney Roosters)
10. James Graham (Canterbury Bulldogs)
11. Anthony Watmough (Parramatta Eels)
12. Brett Ferres (Leeds Rhinos)
13. Ben Flower (Wigan Warriors)
14. Todd Carney (Catalans Dragons)
15. David Klemmer (Canterbury Bulldogs)
16. Chris McQueen (Gold Coast Titans)
17. Dave Taylor (Catalans Dragons)

Cronulla product and controversial juniors playmaker, Benny Benchwood, is believed to be running water this year. Officials state he needs “a year or so to develop”.

“It’ll be good to get him around the older fellas. He just needs a few AVO’s or a DUI. We’ll get him there” says Raudonikis. SEE BELOW: