ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A French Quarter publican confided in The Advocate this afternoon saying he harbours fears that the cellar of his popular hotel will be illegally invaded by John Howard.

While Duncan Pog said he knows it’s a completely irrational fear, he explained that the only reason why he’s worried about it at all is because his cellar is full of weapons of mass destruction.

“I’ve got 100 litres of Bundaberg Rum and half a dozen drench guns down there,” said the Gelded Gorilla Inn publican.

“I’m not worried about OLGR finding out about it. As long as I’m serving it responsibly, dishing out water for free and offering some food, they couldn’t give a shit,”

“But they haven’t seen what this shit can do to a crowd of young people. It can turn them from being polite, charming members of our cosmopolitan and thriving desert community into being those goblin things from World War Z. I’m surprised nobody has tried to ban it yet,”

“If we were in Scotland and I was hoarding and serving Buckfast like this, they’d arrest me, take me to London and hang me at the Tower. I hope [John] Howard never ignores an international political body and illegally invades my cellar. I’d get hanged by a kangaroo court like Saddam was if he did! Anyway, come down to the Gelded Gorilla for some $1 rum and lemonades this weekend!”

The Advocate reached out to the Office of Former Prime Minister John Howard for comment but were told he’s now entered the chapter of his life where he’s not allowed to speak to the media unsupervised anymore.

Comment was promised but not expected.

More to come.