LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
A middle class fraud has been sprung today as self-described foodie Timmeon Swimmer (38) was forced to admit he has never eaten a blueberry-white choc scone from Bakers Delight.
Once a powerhouse in baking and jingle driven ‘90s adverts, Bakers Delight is a bakery franchise that would have gone nation wide if Tasmania didn’t insist on extreme brand loyalty to Banjos.
These days, Bakers Delight doesn’t make the billboard charts like it used to, mostly due to how it’s five bucks for a bloody cheese and bacon roll that they have consistently shrunk over this reporter’s lifetime and he won’t hear otherwise.
However, it is the blueberry-white choc scone that has allowed Bakers Delight to remain and endure as the titular ingredients combine in a crumbly sweet slab of purple gluttony that turns any situation into a high tea in a fantasy castle.
Sadly, this sconely decadence is lost on alleged foodie Timmeon Swimmer who believes one fine dining experience a month is enough to outweigh never having enjoyed a delicious square of melted Grimace.
“I didn’t even know Bakers Delight is still going,” stated Swimmer, who last month spent $220 on a deconstructed finger bun with a musk stick foam, paired with an orange Aroona dessert wine at a hatted restaurant called Canteen.
“It’s just a scone. It doesn’t even have gold leaf on it, how good can it be?”
While our reporting team conceded that white chocolate is a chocolate for children and other people who need to grow up, we assured Swimmer he is a fraudulent foodie until he eats a blueberry-white choc scone with a cup of tea and an implied slice of humble pie.
“Well fuck,” stated Swimmer after taking his first bite, experiencing a meddly of crumbling, sweet and yeilding textures, a symphony of ice and fire crashing into a flavoursome cresendo on his unworthy tongue.
“It’s all here. Everything we’ve learnt as a civilisation is present. Science and alchemy and man and God and the Holy Trinity. Tolerance and decency, harmony and civility; it’s all here.”
“My mother was a terrible cook…”
MORE TO COME.
