ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Not a unique problem but problematic none-the-less.
A cache of long-forgotten household scissors has been found close to where a resident of a Betoota Heights sharehouse keeps his bong and other drug paraphernalia.
Speaking exclusively to The Advocate about the discovery, Duncan Boyd (the housemate who claims to have uncovered the stash) said that he simply channelled his inner Adrian Monk after going to the second-from-the-top kitchen draw to discover that another pair of scissors had gone walkabout.
“I couldn’t believe it’d happened again. I needed to free a padlock from its packaging. I’ll tell you what, I’ve actually had to get a lockable toolbox for the fridge to keep my soft-cheeses safe but that’s a story for another time,” said the 24-year-old.
“So I decided to put my mind to it. Why were these things going missing? I couldn’t understand for the life of me why it kept on happening. Then last night, just as I said goodnight to Liam, I heard the unmistakable clip-snipping of stainless steel on porcelain,”
“Then it hit me like a freight train. Fucking Liam was using them to chop up his fucking lung beers.”
Boyd then explained what happened next.
He told our reporter he burst into Liam’s room without knocking and confronted him about the scissors, to which the ‘droopy-eyed fuck’ laughed nonchalantly and opened his draw.
“There they all were. About seven fucking pairs. Even my nail scissors! I’ve been using my Old Timer on my toenails since fucking September! As angry as I was, it was basically neutralised by the joy and relief of finally getting to the bottom of it,” he said.
“Seriously, I thought he was gaslighting me at one point. I took the pair I most recently purchased and told him he could keep the rest. If he took my pair again, I’d cut his hair off in his sleep.”
Liam then said he’d lie in bed until it grew back.
More to come.
