ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A local father has today unknowingly confirmed that The Eagles were the 1970s equivalent of a boy band, after being caught belting out Take It to the Limit in the garage, holding a Hahn Mid and a lifetime of unresolved baggage.
Murray Kinnear, a 72-year-old retired stock and station agent, has spent over three decades lecturing his daughters on the manufactured nature of 90s pop, regularly declaring that the Backstreet Boys were a stain on music history. Despite this, the he holds The Very Best Of The Eagles in the same regard that some Catholics hold the New Testament.
“He reckons Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely is just softboy whinging,” said daughter Mia.
“But he cries during Wasted Time which is the same song, just with less hair gel and more cowbell.”
Observers note that both bands sing about emotionally unavailable women, romantic regret, narcotics, unrepentant intercourse and the slow decay of the human soul under late capitalism. While one group did this in leather pants and silk shirts, the other did it in denim flares and cocaine.
Desperado is widely regarded in the Kinnear household as a deeply moving portrait of emotional repression. Shape of My Heart, on the other hand, was banned from the rumpus room CD player for being “whiny and gay.”
Music experts have since confirmed the two songs share nearly identical lyrical arcs, structure and tone.
When asked to explain what Hotel California was actually about, Mr Kinnear said it was “about doing heroin at the hotel,” which is the same excuse his daughters used to defend I Want It That Way in 1999.
At time of press, Mr Kinnear was seen welling up at Lyin’ Eyes (his first wife left him for Wayne Bennett) while insisting he doesn’t get emotional, he just has dry eyes from the weather.
More to come.
