Sports

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT For the first time in the history of Australian rugby union, a man baptised into the Roman Catholic Church has been named as the chairman of the game. New Rugby Australia chairman Dan Herbert has promised to 'listen to the people' after nearly 200 years of protestant rule. Accounts of rugby being played in the Colony of New South Wales...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A humble South Australian man with strong facial hair has today shocked the world. Craigmore local Travis Head has broken multiple records overnight, after one of the most incredible feats in human history. The cricketer from Adelaide shocked humanity by giving birth to 11 sons. The birthing miracle is believed to have broken multiple records, including becoming the...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some news from one of India's largest cities, a bunch of convicts have managed to win something quite significant. At roughly 2am this morning Betoota time, a bunch of loosers (sic) won an important game of cricket in Ahmedabad. The game of cricket in question was the final of the ODI World Cup, with 48 matches of...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The South African cricket team have today revealed a special new decorative item for the knockout stages of the 2023 Cricket World Cup. Famous for fumbling the bag whenever it matters, the Saffas have decided to lean into their history and wear a special range of chokers for their upcoming match. "It's just a nice little nod to...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT Thick warm glugs of strawberry milk are going down a treat this afternoon as a grade cricketer refuels from an intense session in the nets. Averaging just 14 runs last season, opening batsman for the Betoota Dugongs Stuart Hogg has hit this season's training sessions with added focus, especially after getting out for a golden duck in...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has capped off a successful trip to China this week with an important trade set to shake up the NRL competition. This morning Albo confirmed after extensive negotiations with Xi Jinping that Australia will finally be able to offload the Wests Tigers, a binfire of a club that’s brought deep shame to both...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT At 3pm this afternoon, The famous Melbourne Cup horse race will be run for the 163rd time. As almost every Australian citizen except those who immigrated here last week would know, the 3,200-metre race will be held at Flemington and contested by some of the fastest horses in our country and the world. With a prize pool of $8m, and...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT For anyone still looking for concrete proof that Australian rugby is being run by the type of people who have also destroyed the Liberal Party under Scott Morrison, the administrative body behind the ailing sport has this week announced an 'external review' of the Wallabies lacklustre 2023 World Cup performance. The review panel is expected to deliver its findings...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The NRL world has been turned on its head today, after the best player in the game dropped a bombshell announcement. Penrith Panthers premiership hero Nathan Cleary has this afternoon revealed that he will be leaving the Area Spice Boys. While there has been much speculation that Scary Spice (Jarome Laui) might be leaving the foot of the...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Outgoing Canberra Raiders star Jack Wighton and his cousin Latrell Mitchell have been cleared of all charges levelled against them by the ACT cops, after it was revealed the most senior police officer involved in the duo’s arrest – Sgt David Power – admitted to giving false evidence. This is not the first time the Canberra Raiders have seen...