CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
The affects Coronavirus is having on the living standards of Australians is becoming increasingly apparent, after the Federal Government remembered that there is a large majority of Australians who can’t simply work from home – and many don’t have the option to take sick leave because of the seven years the government has spent attacking workers rights.
Prime Minister Scotty From Marketing is expected to unveil a stimulus package worth at least $10 billion this week in a bid to slightly halt the recession he has caused by not taxing multi-millionaires accordingly – and spending $1B upgrading footy club canteens in marginal electorates.
The Morrison government will present a proposal to Cabinet tomorrow, but won’t be finalised until at least Wednesday, in an effort to procrastinate as long as possibly until the Pentecostal imagining of Jesus Christ fixes this national emergency for us, like he did during the bushfires.
Scotty From Marketing and Josh From Accounts are reportedly exploring a range of options to boost household spending, but the cash injection will be business and jobs focused, because they believe low-income workers should have a nest egg squirrelled away for situations like this.
Josh is now leaning on the states and territory governments to adopt their own plans, because the Federal government can’t be expected to do too much about this pandemic that is rapidly killing their citizens
With absolutely fuck all planned in the shape of a stimulus package to help the employees who are missing in action due to the self-isolation, Scotty has today urged the blue collar workers to just fuck off for a while.
“Obviously there’s a lot of people out there who can’t just sit at home in their Cronulla mansions and order UberEats” said Scotty.
“Apparently”
“So, what I would say is… If you area low-socio-economic Australian who spends all your money on cigarettes and tracksuits, find a nice quiet bridge in the outskirts of town, and set up camp”
“Look at it like a modern day Waltzing Matilda! It’ll only be 12 days. Just make sure you find somewhere warm”
“I don’t care where you go, just stay the frig away from me and my family”
“If you are too povo to have prepared for 12 days off work. Then that’s on you. Sorry. You should have had more of a go”
However, health professionals are warning against this model, with many stating that the ‘Waltzing Matilda approach’ might be a bit too close to the real thing – and could very well result in poverty stricken Australians dying from a preventable death with everyone in their community watching and wondering why they didn’t do more to stop it.
Unsurprisingly, Morrison disagrees with the experts when it comes to their grave warnings surrounding this health emergency that would cost lots of money if it were to be handled correctly.
“Don’t view it as homelessness” he says.
View it as a camping trip. Stock up on paper towels and canned beans and just wait it out. How good’s camping”
