Louis Burke | Culture | Contact
In a bold move to make sure independent hardware stores are gone forever, Bunnings Warehouse have opened a concept Betoota Ponds store where they will be debuting a new system of selling hose pipe by the centimetre.
Bunnings CEO Michael Schneider claims this is an exciting time in the companies history and he cannot wait to start giving back to the free-spirited community.
“After conducting an in-depth analysis about the local area we know that this will suit the demands of local teenagers and their mothers who are tired of having their hose pipe decimated every Friday and Saturday night,” stated the CEO.
Branch manager Darren Sidoti (44) is very excited for the community to start shopping at their customised Bunnings Warehouse, which will also be stocking Bic lighters, straightened paperclips and empty Gatorade bottles.
“On our opening day alone we sold 14 kilometres worth of hose pipe and 3,506 snags,” stated the manager as he twirled a dreadlock round his white fingers.
Amidst claims the hosepipe strategy could lead to higher levels of marijuana use, Sidoti claimed it wouldn’t be an issue, citing his own experience as an example.
“I’m an old-school boy and I used to be cutting up my mum’s hose in order to enjoy a cheeky billy but look at me know; I am the branch manager at a hardware store in the town I grew up in.”
Unconfirmed rumours state shift manager Jack Sharman (34) also deals a bit of ‘clover’ on the side and if you find a cheaper dealer, he’ll beat them by 10%.
More to come.
