RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact
Senior Finance Executive, David Wilson, has been subjected to an unfathomable act of corporate bastardry this morning.
The elite corporate fat cat has worked at Betoota’s premier financial consulting firm, Blurst & Jung, for the last 13 years. This morning, he received his annual bonus.
The Firm, whose mission statement reads: ‘To create the perfect world through important community-minded approaches of moving financial concepts from one computer to another and always take our cut for doing so,’ has paid out executive bonuses every year for the past decade, with each year’s bonus bigger than the last.
However, according to Wilson the fucking dogs have shafted him on his bonus this year. The inconsolable exec alleges the dogs offered him an annual bonus of only $30,000.
“What am I supposed to do with $30k?!” he genuinely asked.
Heroically, he managed to hold back tears for a few moments longer, before the dam wall burst.
“I just bought a Tesla!” he wailed, flailing down into a heap on the hardwood timber flooring of his three storey inner city townhouse. “How am I going to pay for this lifestyle with a thirty fucking grand bonus?!”
Moved by the man’s vulnerability, our reporter laid down next to the ugly-crying exec and told him that everything was going to be ok.
But this only worked to deepen Wilson’s torment. He jumped to his feet and dramatically threw himself across his luxury Odette sofa designed by Boca Do Lobo and cried, “People aren’t taking this seriously!”
The Advocate assured Wilson that everyone was taking this seriously and to prove it, our reporter immediately fronted up to Blurst & Jung’s HQ in Betoota’s downtown financial district, demanding answers.
The Firm’s CEO, Rupert Talliwhistle, tried to play down the alarming turn of events, but this Masthead wasn’t buying it.
Our reporter explained how the Firm’s poor decision to pay out a reduced annual bonus was affecting staff morale at the executive level, and gave the CEO some proper evils to go with those truth bombs.
It is understood that Mr Wilson received an additional $10,000 bonus payment later that evening, a move which this reporter hopes goes some way towards alleviating his suffering.
