In case you have spent the last week fixing fences in the back of the Simpson desert, you might not be aware that Queen Elizabeth II is no longer alive.
However, with the occasional snippet of ABC National radio in the work ute, there is very little chance that even the most isolated and remote Australians would have missed the biggest story the Australian media has ever spent a week regurgitating.
After seven days of non-stop coverage, speculation and live-crosses with experts – the brazen Anglophilic news coverage has only confirmed the catastrophic identity crisis currently rippling through the 90-year-old public broadcaster.
This comes just 6 months after the ABC sent around a network-wide email demanding their staff at least pretend to care about the passing of Shane Warne – and reserve all of their hot takes about his lifestyle out of respect for the actual audience.
However, after an entire week of the ABC’s relentless and brazen fellatio of the British Royal Family, Australians could be forgiven for assuming that the late Queen had made 145 Test appearances, taking 708 wickets, and set the record for the most wickets taken by any bowler in Test cricket history.
The Australian public is today starting to stir, knowing that we’ve still got three more days until the fucking burial.
Furthermore, the ABC has today confirmed that they have sent 27 staff members to the United Kingdom to spearhead the coverage of this mildly interesting global news story – so rest assured that they will get their money’s worth with another full week of this shit.
The national broadcaster confirmed they had sent 12 journalists and nine production staff from ABC News, plus three presenters and three production members from ABC Radio. An additional two journalists who were in Europe, also joined their reporting team – as they work tirelessly to find out every skerrick of detail surrounding the death of a 96-year-old billionaire.
It is not yet known why our public broadcaster is so obsessed with relaunching the Royal family back into Australian households, or why they think this inevitable news story is more important than anything else happening in the world.
Early theories point to the fact that majority of ABC employees hold close ties to the United Kingdom due to the marvellous London gap year that were able to enjoy between finishing at Fort Street High and beginning their tertiary studies at Sydney University.
As well as the two years they spent doing Class-A drugs in an all-Australian Earl’s Court sharehouse in their late twenties.
