ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
For Betoota Heights man Dennis Frank, it’s gone on long enough.
Somehow, by the grace of God, the 74-year-old retiree has avoided the spicy cough despite his best efforts to catch it.
He hasn’t been washing his hands like Howard Hughes, he hasn’t been wearing a mask on the trolley bus. A few weeks ago, he even went to a boiler room gig at the Lord Betoota Hotel.
Nothing.
“I’m tired of this,” Dennis told The Advocate.
“I’ve had every booster known to man, I’ve been a good little citizen doing my part. But I want nature’s booster. I want the couff.”
So earlier this month, Dennis booked a cruise.
“From what I’ve seen on the news, if you want this virus then get on a cruise ship. I don’t care if I get gastro, too, which is pretty much guaranteed whenever you get on one of those floating RSLs.”
Dennis is currently somewhere between Brisbane and Fiji on the Princess Carnival Colonbuster and he tells this masthead that although he hasn’t tested himself yet, he feels like he has some sort of virus.
“I can’t be sure,” he said.
“I have been absolutely caning myself at the Irish-themed bar here. They have frozen mojitos so make of that what you want. On top of that, I’ve been eating like an American. It’s absolutely turned my tummy inside out, I feel like I’ve chopped an extension cord in half, put one end up my arse and the other end in the powerpoint then had some pervert flick in on and off. I’ve been having these extremely vivid dreams about taking the bridge of this ship by force and crashing it into the Howard Smith Wharves. I did pump a wheel of blue cheese the first night a got on, but,”
“But yeah, that might be why I feel like I might have the spicy cough. Honestly, the only bloke on earth with worse gut health than me is that Derryn Hinch. He looks like he needs a pint of Yakult and two hours in the hammock.”
More to come.
