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A year 7 student at Betoota Ponds Sports High has been treated for mild nicotine poisoning this morning, following an fateful encounter with some outdated disciplinary methods at the hands of a veteran PE teacher.
It is believed that Alfie Butters (13) was forced to finish up to twenty-five 1200 puff disposable vapes in one sitting, after being caught inhaling from an grey-market Strawberry Lemonade flavoured iGet before class began at 9am.
The teacher behind this poorly-planned life lesson, decorated rugby league coach and East Timor veteran Ruben Mountford (62), says he was unaware that every vape contained nicotine levels equivalent to an entire packet of Winnie Reds.
“I thought each vape was the same as a durrie” a regretful Mr Mountford told the Betoota Advocate.
“So when I caught him with a plastic bag full of them, I made him finish the lot”
“Just like I used to do when we’d catch the kids smoking the analog cigarettes”
“How the fuck am I supposed to know what’s in these things. They are imported from mainland China and all the information on the wrapper is in Mandarin”
Today’s drama at Betoota Ponds follows Monday night’s investigation by ABC’s Four Corners, who found there is a thriving black market for disposable vapes among children, fuelled by rising demand and a failure to police the rules.
The report found that an estimated 400,000 people now vape in Australia. With one-tenth of the 16-24-year-old population completely hooked – a number that has more than doubled in the space of a year.
Despite the fact that it is illegal to sell or possess nicotine vapes without a prescription, Four Corners found that teenagers are buying cheap disposable Chinese imports from hundreds of suppliers across Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram and TikTok.
However, in their efforts to paint this phenomena as some sort of scary secret-knock prohibition market, the ABC seemed to miss the fact that you can buy one these things from just about any tobacconist in the country if you ask with a lowered voice and don’t dress like a cop.
While the health risks from inhaling boiling Chinese chemicals are mostly unknown at this point, the fortunate news is that Betoota’s most recent victim of youth vaping will be fine for now – so long as he drinks a bit of water and gets stuck into the strepsils.
Betoota Ponds Sports High have confirmed that Mr Mountford will not face any repercussions for his attempts to steer Alfie onto the right path, because right now there is no appropriate method for dealing with this very real health crisis that the government has blatantly ignored while redirecting police resources to guarding quarantine hotels and state borders for three years.
