ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Speaking candidly to The Advocate once he’d left his comfy Betoota Heights Queenslander, local father Malcolm Coolie said that while he’s happy for his middle daughter – he’s not rapt with the fact that she met him on popular dating app, Bumble.
“It just rubs me the wrong way, you know what I mean?” said the retired 68-year-old builder.
“Meeting somebody on the internet, to me, is pretty fucked to begin with. How can you trust them? You don’t even know who they are! They could be a serial killer for all you know,”
“Anyway, it was good to finally eyeball the cunt. You know he didn’t even ask me if he could marry Nadine? I mean, fuck me. What’s the world come do? Does anyone have any common decency anymore? Tell you what though, son. I’m glad I’m 68 because I’ve fucking down with this world. I’m going to take up smoking again.”
Nadine Coolie announced her engagement to Matthew Peterson, a local Catholic, earlier this week to the shock of many.
Her mother and Malcolm’s second wife, Rochelle, had to sit down after receiving the news.
She spoke to our reporters a short time ago regarding the whole ‘debacle’.
“Nadine has always been headstrong but this is just taking the piss,” she said.
“Isn’t Bumble the one that all the kids use to have premarital sex and sell drugs? When they said they met on Tinder, I collapsed on the spot right there in the kitchen. I damn near ripped the landline out of the wall on the way down. If it wasn’t for Mal, I would’ve Hendrix’d myself and choked on my own vomit!”
“But I’ve learned to accept him for who he is and that’s the man my Nadine is in love with.”
Unaware of the personal turmoil and anguish he’s unleashed on Mr and Mrs Coolie, Matthew said he and Nadine are looking forward to spending the rest of their lives together in peace and happiness.
However, even he knew there was something up when he and Nadine began discussing their upcoming wedding in Lombok.
“When I said we wanted to do it barefoot in Indonesia, I could see Rochelle’s eyes almost roll back into her head. I think she even convulsed a bit,” he said.
“Daddy Mal just looked out the window looking defeated,”
“But fuck ’em. Me and Nadine are basically a Springsteen song in the making. We’re going to be just fine.”
More to come.
