FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact
As Santa alters his regular procedures to accommodate social distancing, children are being advised to choose sturdy presents that will survive the new zero-contact delivery technique; slam-dunking the presents down the chimney.
“Our Risk Assessments have shown that employing social distancing is the most effective way of preventing the spread of COVID-19, said Danielf, the North Pole’s OH&S Manager.
“If Santa throws the presents down the chimney the chances of contracting or passing on the virus are drastically reduced. Of course, the chances of presents being smashed to pieces are drastically increased, so you are better off asking for a book than a snow globe”.
However, many chimney ballistic experts have cast doubt on the plans, with some suggesting that it might not be possible to fire various presents down different types of chimney and expect accurate and consistent results. Santa however is confident the plan will succeed.
“Why, it’s quite simple, you see” he explained.
“I’ve been watching Space Jam over and over again to get the physics just right and I know that if I jump off the moving sleigh and slam-dunk the presents down the chimney just so, they will exit the fireplace at a lively pace, ricochet around the loungeroom a few times whilst making pinball machine noises, and then land neatly under the tree. Ho Ho Ho!”
“And if that seems unlikely, don’t forget I just need to tap my nose three times for a bit of Christmas magic.”
At this stage it is unclear if the last part of the statement is a reference to recreational drug use.
