WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT
In a move to improve the public image of masks in Victoria, the Deputy Chief Medical Officer has revealed an exciting new policy initiative.
Speaking this afternoon, Deputy Chief Medical Officer Dr Nick Coatsworth, announced that all masks in the Melbourne area would now be sold as ‘second hand’ or ‘vintage.’
“Since our previous announcement that masks will become mandatory unless you have a valid exemption as of Wednesday at 11:59 pm, there has been a lot of negativity,” Dr. Coatsworth explained.
“So we’ve come up with this exciting new initiative to make masks fashionable down here in the cosmopolitan capital of this country.”
“Under the new scheme, masks will become trendy and they will all double in price.”
“We can’t really market the mass-produced sweatshop masks as artisanal non-woven plastic, but we can make them somewhat more appealing to Melbourne residents.”
Dr. Coatsworth explained that they are currently investigating whether the masks can be ‘deconstructed’ with the strings attached post-purchase, but that won’t be a feature until down the track.
“Anyway, the rest of the country that is smugly looking on, could do wisely and start making some preparations for their impending second wave, instead of trying to take cheap shots at the fact we are a bohemian outpost down south.”
