ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
The Federal Government has issued a directive to State and Territory leaders today to reopen their real estate industries in a bid to kick start the economy and get the nation’s most useless people back at work.
Scott Morrison explained at his morning press conference in Canberra that the nation has worked hard to defeat the coronavirus – but now it needs to work even harder to get back on its economic feet.
“It starts with the real estate industry,” he said.
“It provides stamp duties and taxes, it promotes growth in the banks. It’s a cornerstone of the economy. We need to open it, get people in buying and selling real estate. Paying capital gains – and then hoarding that wealth within their social class. It’s critical,”
“We also need real estate agents, leasing agents and property managers back at work. Without work, they’d literally be able to do nothing. They’d be a handbrake on the nation. Socially and economically. They weren’t able to do anything else with their lives, so they became real estate agents. It’s the catch-all for the over-educated and under-employed.”
Scott then paused and continued reading down the page.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I seem to have picked up Anthony Albanese’s speech by mistake. Hold on, let me run back inside and get mine.”
The Prime Minister jogwalked back into Parliament.
Nevertheless, the news has been met with fanfare from the nation’s property owners and the subservient Tarocash army that helps them protect and guard their wealth against people who came out of the wrong vagina (or incision) in the wrong postcode.
Dexter Green, from Green Property in Betoota Heights, said this was the right move to make from the government.
“I’ve got buyers keen to buy property,” he said.
“Before we continue, could I please ask if you own a property? It’s just that I need to adjust my tone and my respect for you as a person moving forward.”
Our reporter explained that he did not own any property but does own a British racing green, low-kilometre, 2000 Ford Fairmont Olympic Edition that still looks as neat as the day it rolled out of the factory.
It was made during the Sydney Olympic Games, as our reporter pointed out on the compliance plate.
Dexter’s lip curled.
“OK, look. We need to get back to work. It might not occur to you that property is a major part of the economy. Do you understand what an economy is? It’s the cycle of money, but you probably get paid by the hour? Yeah?”
“OK, thanks. I’ve got to run.”
Our reporter set a reminder in their phone after that exchange to pop into Jax in Betoota Heights on the way home to pick up a pot of DOT4 brake fluid to throw on Dexter’s BMW tonight under the cover of darkness.
More to come.
