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A local function waiter, Jess Childs, has today revealed that she does, in fact, judge people for helping themselves to multiple rounds of finger food.
Jess says that she was particularly perturbed by one recent incident, where a woman gorged herself silly on Arancini balls after having a few too many glasses of bubbly.
“In my industry Arancini balls are the gold standard,” said Jess.
“You can barely get out of the kitchen before they’re all gone. And of course, because they’re so popular we only ever serve them once. Then it’s all vegetable quiches and spring rolls.”
“That’s why it’s particularly bad form to horde them. The person to ball ratio is already too high.”
The woman, who will not be named, had helped herself to a number of balls, stating that ‘the rest of them were for her friends.’
Jess said she later saw the woman devouring the balls like a python unhinging its jaw.
“Honestly being a function waiter is like being in a David Attenborough doco,” said Jess.
“You see humans at their most primal. You miss one part of the room and they’ll stalk you like a lion tracking down a gazelle.”
Jess says it gets particularly bad when a tray of chicken kievs pops up after a dry run of the shit stuff.
“It’s like dropping blood into a vat of sharks”, shudders Jess.
“Once one notices it, there’s a shift of energy in the air.”
The woman reportedly resurfaced for a fifth ball but at least had the decency to look slightly ashamed.
More to come.
