Louis Burke | Culture | Contact
Scientists at the Tokyo Institution of Applied Physics have divided the scientific community with their revolutionary study of the enigmatic God Particle which was made possible by spearing the particle with a massive harpoon.
Known in the scientific community as Higgs boson, the God Particle is hypothesised to give mass to all elementary particles in the observable universe, which is why the Japanese government made the controversial decision to use harpoons to slaughter the particles for research purposes.
Research leader Kenji Sato PhD stated that the particles are killed humanely using harpoons with grenades attached and is a necessary thing to do for both the purposes of science and tradition.
“Iceland and Norway are doing it too,” stated Sato.
“You don’t see them being protested against when a God particle is murdered in front of its baby – for research purposes.”
The protestors Sato is referring to are activists from the group Particle Shepard who have taken to standing between research scientists and particle colliders in order to protect the lives of a non-sentient particle that may or may not actually exist.
At present, the Tokyo Institution of Applied Physics has released a statement saying they will not be ceasing their research into understanding the God Particle and if anyone has a better idea on how to study something that doesn’t involve impaling it with a barbed metal spear to let them know immediately.
