ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Known locally for his ability to meander slowly down a footpath and to sometimes just stop walking for no reason at all, a local dead shit has confided in The Advocate this morning about one aspect of his life he finds difficult.
Everybody Stacey Carter meets on the street is an arsehole.
“It’s hard to explain,” he said.
“Whenever I’m out walking somewhere or even when I’m driving. People blow their horns at me and sigh audibly as they powerwalk past me like they’re in some sort of hurry. It’s unbelievable. Slow down! Life is long! There’s no need to be rushing people,”
“But honestly though. I must be a magnet for arseholes and pricks because everywhere I go, I seem to be surrounded on all sides by them. Inundated if you will.”
However, colleagues of Mr Carter say that whenever they’re out getting lunch with him or whatnot, he exhibits all the signs of having absolutely no spatial awareness at all.
There used to be local laws in Betoota’s French Quarter district where slow walkers and people unable to mesh with a crowd were legally able to be punched in the back of the head.
Those laws were repealed in 2016, leaving people like Mr Carter free to be spatially reckless.
“It’s incredible,” says coworker Brandon Brathen.
“He stands in doorways, gets to the bottom of escalators and just stands there. He fucking pinballs all over footpaths and does it slowly. The list goes on,”
“And then when he drives. No blinkers, an almost criminal inability to merge or have any concept of merging in general. I told him it works like a zipper and he just looked at me with his big dumb fuck head like I was speaking fucking Danish! Fuck! It just makes my blood boil!”
“He’s a great agent, though. Can and will sell a property above reserve.”
More to come.
