LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact
As the path to the 2019 election hots up, Labor leader Bill Shorten has put his best foot forward and held a press conference to debut his cool new soul patch.
Shorten began the press conference by asking for a moment of silence for rapper XXXTentacion before taking questions but asking the press to do so quietly as he reportedly ‘had a wild one last night.’
According to the member for Maribyrnong, his soul patch is just one of a few ‘clutch policies’ that the Labor party are enacting ensure they are the party of the future and ‘not like those liberal old heads.’
“Young people feel let down by the government and need a representative who understands their needs and understands their memes,” said the opposition leader as he ran a union of fingers over his soul patch.
“A bit like that Nollsy bloke don’t you reckon? I’ll be making fish tacos in no time! You get it?”
Sitting backwards in his chair Shorten deflected questions about the Adani coalmine and instead promised to get the Fab Five from Queer Eye back in Australia because he didn’t get to meet them when they were here a couple of weeks ago.
“Jonathan and I would be good mates but hey?”
The press conference ended when Shorten grabbed a bottle of water from a Newscorp journalist before attempting to land a perfect bottle-flip for the remaining 15 minutes of the press conference. Eventually, deputy party leader Tanya Plibersek was called in to help Shorten with the flip and managed to do so on the second try prompting Shorten to yell “Always give Labor a second chance!”
