EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact
1. Singing together
If you want to be a masculine bloke and sing with other masculine blokes, you’re in luck, as there are quite a few options!
Though musical theatre might not be on the table, a sporting match offers the perfect alternative. Not only can you sing to your heart’s content, but it’s also socially acceptable to wrap your arms around another bloke’s shoulders!
Singing sea shanties comes in at a close second, followed closely by solemn hymns at a catholic funeral. Karaoke is also fine, depending on the levels of drunkness. Lightly drunk? Time to bust out some Eminem.
Belting out Mr Brightside is okay as long as you’re quite inebriated.
2. Cooking
Cooking can still be perceived as masculine as long as you don’t do it the traditional way, and there’s a focus on preparing meat. Devices such as a barbecue, charcoal grill and smoker are big bloke stuff, and an air fryer is also permissible, as long as you keep reiterating that you used an air fryer.
If you want to go the non masculine route of using a kitchen device, you have to get very into sautéing meat, with a heavy emphasis on sauces.
However it should be noted that these rules do not apply if you’re Italian and have a family sauce recipe.
3. Cross dressing
Cross dressing is perfectly fine if it’s done ‘ironically’, such as a costume party. Heck, even if the theme doesn’t even warrant cross dressing, that’s perfectly fine. If there’s one thing that can be said about staunchly masculine blokes, is that they welcome any opportunity to wear a woman’s dress to a party, whether it’s a mad Monday or a bucks.
Even if you’re just secretly catering to your repressed desires to don some lipstick and some dick stomping heels, it’s perfectly okay if it’s a party!
4. Hugging your mates
If there’s one positive thing that sports does for masculine blokes, it’s giving them an excuse to get emotional and touchy with their mates – and hugging is no exception. If you’re a true emotionally repressed alpha bloke, you know showing affection for friends is a chicks thing. But luckily, sports can allow you to embrace your mates for a cuddle. It’s even okay if it lingers a while!
Hugging is also permissible as a greeting (one arm over shoulder, one arm under armpit). However, there should never be any neck touching – and certainly no nuzzling!
5. Bum Tapping your mates
Speaking of getting handsy – if you’ve been dying to touch your mate’s juicy dumpy, sports can give you the perfect opportunity to do so! Bum tapping is never allowed in any other context (in fact it’s a fast track to getting a black eye!) but is completely fine in the context of a post try celebrations or a big tackle.
6. Going for a nice walk with friends
If you’re yearning to go for a nice walk with the fellas, know it’s only acceptable if it’s characterised as a ‘sport.’ This is where hiking reigns king, as it gives you the opportunity to spend hours with your mates, where you can talk about anything and everything and still feel like you’re accomplishing something.
Golf is also a great option, and doubles as the perfect opportunity to talk about feelings as well, which is okay as long as you’re holding something.
7. Crying
If you’re a true son of stoicism who’s been itching to turn on the waterworks, you’ll be pleased to know there’s one setting that will allow you to cry as much as your heart desires – yep, you guessed it, SPORTS! For the best outcome, it’s advised you follow a sports team that never wins. That way, if they do eventually win, you have full permission to break into hysterics!
Crying is also permissible if a dog dies in a movie but only if the movie has a masculine premise i.e the dog from ‘I Am Legend.’
8. Dancing
Ready to bust a move? Well ya betta get 15 schooners in ya!
Dancing is fine as long as long as it’s done ‘ironically’, and while incredibly intoxicated or pinging off ya chops. Scenarios might include at a nightclub, a wedding or when celebrating a victory of some kind (again, sports).
Dance moves should never be sexy, and involve a lot of fist pumps and hands in the air. Any hip movement is to be avoided at all cost.
The dancing should slowly come to an end with some awkward chuckles by all mates involved, or abruptly, if nearby girls make fun of you.
In that case, you should pretend you were joking or get into a fight.
9. Talking about your feelings
As a masculine bloke, talking about feelings can only ever be done in two settings – either shoulder to shoulder (like the aforementioned golf) or if you’re incredibly drunk/high on cocaine/MDMA. If the latter, the conversation should be uncharacteristically deep and emotional, with lots of declarations of love.
It should then never be spoken about ever again.
