ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A visiting group of Lions fans has left a local man deeply confused after unloading a torrent of pent-up abuse toward their freshly elected Prime Minister, who to the untrained eye appears to be some kind of centre-left union dork with a tie collection.
Keir Starmer, or “British Albo” as one inebriated punter called him, is struggling to win over even his own kind, many of whom are currently wandering around the east coast pretending they’re on holiday while quietly looking for house shares, jobs and relationships with locals that lead to a visa.
Gavin McDougall, a delivery driver for a local bakery, only recently figured out there were two Ireland after his flatmate got into Kneecap. He made the mistake of trying to bond over politics with these nice strangers at the pub last night.
“I was just being friendly,” said McDougall.
“A Monday night at the Betoota Heights Tavern. You’d think it’d be quiet. But we got talking to these stupid fucking Poms. Christ almighty. Thought I’d throw in a bit of current affairs chat. Said something like, ‘That new fella of yours seems alright, bit of a boring bugger but means well.'”
Witnesses say what followed resembled a controlled detonation. Rory from Leeds began listing every perceived betrayal Starmer had committed since 2018, including several that didn’t appear to be real. A Welsh bloke named Gareth compared him to a “Tesco lasagne in a suit.” Saoirse from Dublin just rolled her eyes and said he shouldn’t be running all over Europe with his bright red dog’s stick flapping about when there’s bigger problems at home.
McDougall nodded and smiled as best he could, but admitted he’d “lost them at Blairite.”
“It was like they all had PTSD from growing up under austerity and grey skies,” he said.
“They’re all moving here though. Reckon they’ll love it. Sun’s out, politics is back in the middle pages. I’ve forgotten the name of every state premier. I only know we have that dark-haired fella from Ingham or somewhere up there. Who cares?”
More to come.
