ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A young couple from Betoota’s burgeoning fringe has today ended an 18-month campaign of open homes, fake auctions and nightly weeping after finally securing a property that ticks absolutely none of their boxes.
The house, a three-bedroom flat-roof new-build that, sold for $843 000. It has more defects than a backyard-bred French Bulldog, according to the building report commissioned after paying the deposit.
Well above the asking price of “mid-sevens” that was listed only to lure in desperate young Australians like Jack and Tahlia McEvoy.
“It’s not that we love it. It’s that we hate everything else just a little bit more,” said Jack, standing on the bare dirt out the front. Bare dirt that had lawn photoshopped over it for the marketing pictures.
“And we couldn’t look at one more open-plan kitchen with cheap stools jammed under the kitchen island. I couldn’t listen to my own boot-heels echo through another empty glorified tent. I couldn’t listen to Tahlia walk two rooms away to break wind during an inspection, only for the agent and I to hear it,”
“Honestly, I’d rather be in debt than be on those fucking apps for another day,” added Tahlia.
“I don’t want to compare floorplans anymore. I don’t want to swipe through eight photos of a hallway. I want peace. I want my life back.”
The house features single-glazed glass, a garage with a nonreinforced concrete floor and a land-banking neighbour who doesn’t plan to perform any property maintenance. It’s in a new housing estate that doesn’t even have a name.
“Lucky it doesn’t very often here,” said Tahlia.
“We changed a lightbulb in the kitchen roof and saw daylight coming in from somewhere. Not good.”
Settlement is expected in six weeks. Jack and Tahlia will spend that time trying to convince themselves that they haven’t been honeydicked into joining the property ponzi by the big banks and evil government.
More to come.
