WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT
Danes woke up in their socialist utopia to defeat following their team’s 2-0 loss to the Matildas on Monday night.
“I’m at a complete loss for what to do,” said local shoemaker Christian Jorgenssen. “I guess I’ll just ride my bike to work, eat some herring and enjoy the benefits of living in one of the most developed and socially-conscious countries on Earth.”
Goals from Caitlin Foord and Hayley Raso secured the round of 16 win for the Matildas in front of a crowd of 75,000 at Olympic Park.
Across Denmark, a country with a higher-than-average life expectancy and the best quality of life worldwide, fans reacted to the result with abject despair.
“This is the biggest tragedy for Denmark since Hamlet,” said Copenhagen nightclub bouncer Jonas Damsgaard, who has secure work, a roof over his head and universal healthcare.
Caroline Thomsen was in tears as she headed to her $140,000 a year job, where she receives four years of parental leave and free Lego sets.
“I haven’t felt this bad since the founder of IKEA died. Hang on, he was Swedish. I guess my life is actually pretty much perfect,” said Caroline.
The Matildas next turn their attentions to a quarter final against France or Morocco.
