ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A regional Victorian has turned his back on conventional farming practices to grow apples and other pretentious fruits like pears, instead of growing something cool like wheat or sugarcane.
Murray Bedbumper of Wangaratta has told The Advocate that he dreams of one day taking the training wheels off and getting some nice cows or meat sheep. Until then, it’s apples for him.
The 44-year-old went as far as saying canola looks pretty sick, especially when it gets windrowed, but he lives in Wangaratta and has fuck all country and that would be a pipedream.
“Do young people eat canned fruit? I don’t think they do. I think most of my produce either goes to be canned or gets turned into Tooheys Five Seeds or Fat Little Lamb. Tell you what, that Fat Little Lamb stuff [shakes head] Man, I have a bit of an ethical problem selling apples to those guys. I had a bottle of it one night at the dogs and I blacked out completely and woke up shirtless on the steps of Southern Cross Station in Melbourne. Some 500km away from where I started drinking the stuff. I’m not the only one, either,” he said.
“You know, it’s not exactly easy to grow apples or pears. The birds get into them. Tourists. You ever seen a carload of Melbournites just get out on the side of the road and help themselves to an apple? Lucky they don’t get shot or flogged into unconsciousness with a good length of half-inch chain. You know something, a pear is a pear.”
Our reporter nodded.
“You know who I hate? People from Shepparton. Not as much as I hate people from Batlow. They should drop a bomb on Batlow. Pfffftt Granny Smith apples [performs wanking gesture] fucking pretentious apples like that. People who bake apples have FITHS or Fuck In The Head Syndrome. Apples are meant to be eaten like a hotdog. With your hands, mate.”
More to come.
