ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A self-described wise old bastard from our town’s leafiest enclave has described the sale of his four-bedroom home as “the deal of the century” after it sold at auction for some $250,000 above the reserve price.
Michael John Philip explained to our reporters that he had to look far and wide for the best price, and he found it in the form of a nondescript international student from the nearby South Betoota Polytechnic College.
The property on Greens Road last sold for $295,000 in 1996 and sold over the weekend for $3,010,000, setting a new record for what was once seen as being the second-rate street in The Grove.
“We had some young couples putting bids on. In the low sevens,” said our town’s own Warren Buffett.
“They dropped off soon when they realized Mummy and Daddy wouldn’t let them go any higher. Then we had developers come in, looking to turn my quarter-acre block into 47 apartments. That would’ve been sad to see the house flattened, but I’m glad the last bidder blew everyone out of the water.”
Mr. Philip went on to explain that as the property developers were busy “measuring dicks,” another bidder came forward.
“He came over the top and put another hundred on top, then another. And then another hundred, and all of a sudden, we’re up to three million dollars!”
The winning bidder, known only as Jerry, was nice enough to come down to The Advocate’s Daroo Street newsroom this afternoon to explain why he thought the property was worth that much. As The Betoota Advocate’s parent company is partly owned by the Chinese Communist Party, Jerry was refreshingly candid.
“Look, thanks to this country’s lust for property speculation, regulation of where the money’s coming from is on paper quite tough, but in reality, governments couldn’t give a green fuck who’s paying $3m for a flogged-out shithole in the Simpson Desert,” he said.
“This money has come from a criminal enterprise in Shenzhen. This money has been generated by cooking meth and exporting it all over the world through Hong Kong. We can transfer from China, using money that the Australian Government has zero idea about where it’s come from,”
“The crime gang buys the house and then immediately takes out loans against it. Repays the loan with dirty money. All of a sudden, you have millions in clean cash thanks to the banking cartel in Australia, who care even less than the government about laundering money. As long as the stamp duty keeps rolling in,”
“If I were an Australian, I’d be angry. But you spoilt skippy cunts have had it too good for too long, so you couldn’t really give a fuck if you’ve already got yours. Everyone else can get fucked.”
More to come.
