ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A Betoota Heights man known locally to authorities for his vendetta against jet ski riders has won the Diamantina Lotteries jackpot overnight, netting him a cool $20m which he says will change his life.

“I might finally be able to buy a used car in this market,” said Dale Clarke, a panel beater who doesn’t believe in the science behind masks.

“And I’ve been looking at this high-kilometre 2004 Landcruiser Prado that’s been up on the nature strip on the corner of Baltimore and Church. Looks like it’s never been garaged, taken off road by P-platers and towed four tonnes worth of caravan around Australian seventeen times,”

“I’ve seen the owner drive it around the Coles carpark up the French Quarter and you’d never heard such a sick sounding diesel. Those injectors must be as clean as Clive Palmer’s arteries. Not so much a spray but more of a lethargic dribble of diesel making it into the cylinder. It moans in first gear, sounds like Sauron crying and coughing. Christ knows what the DPF would look like. At this price, they’ve probably just deleted it and give the bloke doing the inspection a few cartons of cold ones on the side,”

“On top of that, it’s not even a fucking Grande. Cunt, it’s not even a VX. It’s a fucking GXL. Poverty. Well, I’m not anymore,”

“The bloke wants $10m for it or near offer, I reckon I could get him down to $9.5m.”

More to come.

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