LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
It is a hard knock life for one unlucky UC copper who has wasted yet another useless night in the clubhouse talking about bloody motorcycles again.
Special Officer Flop Limpy (fake name used to protect identity) has successfully infiltrated the Betoota chapter of Craster’s Sons, a Game of Thrones themed 1% bikie gang who started in 2011 when no one would shut up about Game of Thrones.
Having made it through initiation and a rather competitive book week debacle, officer Limpy was expecting his hairy new family to let loose with a string of drug fueled confessions with a healthy side of DNA riddled evidence.
Unfortunately for Limpy, his days and nights are filled with the carbonated fumes of Harley Davidsons as it turns out bikies just really spend a lot of time talking about bikes.
“You know what that story reminds me of? Crime. Has anyone ever committed a really good crime before?” asked officer Limpy trying his best to collect intel while changing the God damn topic.
“I’ll start, I once stole a car of all things!”
“Anyone else ever done anything bad? On four wheels preferably.”
Mistaking Limpy’s cry for help as a hilarious satirisation of the car driver’s bravado, the patched members of Craster’s Sons shared a hearty laugh before excusing themselves for a meth break during which time they would talk about bikes.
“It’s like this every fucking day!” a weeping Limpy told our reporting team who all wore convincingly weak fake moustaches to convince the bikies they are from VICE.
“All they want to talk about is bloody motorbikes and how fast motorbikes go and how fast they have gone on a motorbike and the times they saw another motorbike and the places they’ve driven their motorbikes and the places they’ve parked their motorbikes and how loud it can be on a motorbike and all the places you can hide a gun on a motorbike and the first time they rode a motorbike and how shiny you can make a motorbike with just a little patience and the proper equipment.”
“It’s exhausting! If they didn’t stop every now and then to talk about their problems with season seven and eight of Game of Thrones I think I’m grabbing a machete and giving my tattoo back to them.”
MORE TO COME.
